Elon Musk Today

Like Donald Trump, But For Nerds


Indentured Brain Servant

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"Earning power post augmentation would easily pay for itself (if that’s even necessary). This is the best thing I can think of to ensure that collective human will decides the future."

Jay Clayton's Self Respect

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"SEC, three letter acronym, middle word is Elon’s"

Adopting a Bohemian Life

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"I am selling almost all physical possessions. Will own no house. [...] Don’t need the cash. Devoting myself to Mars and Earth. Possession just weigh you down."

Space Ventilators

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"Yeah, SpaceX is working on ventilators too"

Close to Zero New Cases

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"Based on current trends, probably close to zero new cases in US too by end of April"

Children Immune

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"Kids are essentially immune, but elderly with existing conditions are vulnerable."

Just the Flu

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"There is considerable conflation of diagnosis & contraction of “corona”. Actual virality is much lower than it would seem. I think this will turn out to be comparable to other forms of influenza."

Teslas Are Boats

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"A Tesla works as a boat for short periods of time, as an electric car has no air intake or exhaust to block & battery/motor/electronics are water-sealed."

Indentured Mars Servant

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"Loans available for those who don’t have money. There will be a lot of jobs on Mars!"

Earth Mars Orbital Syc

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"Building 100 Starships/year gets to 1000 in 10 years or 100 megatons/year or maybe around 100k people per Earth-Mars orbital sync"

Powerpacks for California Blackouts

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"All Tesla Supercharger stations in regions affected by California power outages will have Tesla Powerpacks within next few weeks. Just waiting on permits."

Spooling Solar

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"Spooling up production line rapidly. Hoping to manufacture ~1000 solar roofs/week by end of this year."

Robotaxi Network

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"The fundamental message consumers should be taking today is that it's financially insane to buy anything other than a Tesla. It'll be like owning a horse in three years."
Elon Musk, quoted by Matthew J. Belvedere in CNBC

500,000 Teslas a Year

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"Tesla will make over 500k cars in next 12 months, but that’s a mere 2% of 25M or 0.02% of global vehicle fleet. Car industry slow -> demand >> supply."

Tesla Profits

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"I am optimistic about being profitable in Q1 and all quarters going forward."

Cars Calling Tow Trucks

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"The next thing we want to add is if a car detects something wrong - like a flat tire or a drive unit failure - that before the car has even come to a halt, there's a tow truck and service loaner on the way."

Flying Car

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"Will use SpaceX cold gas thruster system with ultra high pressure air in a composite over-wrapped pressure vessel in place of the 2 rear seats."

Magical Brake Pads

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"Vast majority of vehicle motion is returned to the battery, as the electric motors act like a generator in reverse. Brake pads on a Tesla literally never need to be replaced for lifetime of the car."

Literate Teslas

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"By next year, a Tesla should be able to drive around a parking lot, find an empty spot, read signs to confirm it’s valid & park."

Service Centers Everywhere

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"Sorry for this foolish oversight. Tesla will aim to cover all regions of NA (not just big cities) within 3 to 6 months. Same goes for all countries within which we officially operate by end of next year."

Teslaquila

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"Teslaquila coming soon..."

Laser Space Glass

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"Tesla owners can refer someone to buy a Tesla & get any image they want laser etched in glass & sent to deep space for millions of years"

Tesla Built Car Carrier

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"Started building our own car carriers this weekend to alleviate load."

Base on Mars

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"Ultimately helping [...] the average citizen to be able to travel to other planets. It's a great thing."

One Hour Bodyshop

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"Aiming for same day soon, then under an hour. Goal is for repaired car to be better than before accident. Should always be true if damaged/used parts are correctly replaced with newer parts."

Car Elevator To Your Home

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"Boring company will transport your car all the way into your garage."

Solar Powered Factory

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"Fossil fuel merchants of doubt have been pushing that bs for years. Tesla Gigafactory will be 100% renewable powered (by Tesla Solar) by end of next year."

Dodger Stadium Electric Skates

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"Fares are not finalized, but the trip is expected to cost about $1, and riders would be able to purchase tickets in advance through a mobile app."

420 Funding Secured

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"Shareholders could either to sell at 420 or hold shares & go private"

Thai Cave Mini-Sub

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"You know what, don't bother showing the video. We will make one of the mini-sub/pod going all the way to cave 5 no problemo. Sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

Flint Water Houses

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"Please consider this a commitment that I will fund fixing the water in any house in Flint that has water contamination above FDA levels. No kidding."

Mass Layoffs

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"We are making this hard decision now so that we never have to do this again."
Elon Musk, quoted by Fred Lambert in Electrek

Acoustic Signature Triangulation

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"We’re working on allowing you to use your phone in car when you hear a rattle/squeak & pinpoint origin by acoustic signature & triangulation"

Teslas Can Fully Drive With Broken Motor

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"Tesla AWD is dual motor, so you can fully drive the car even if one breaks"

Dirt Bricks

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"The Boring Company will be using dirt from tunnel digging to create bricks for low cost housing."

Candy Company

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"I'm starting a candy company & it's going to be amazing. I am super super serious."

Pravduh

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"Even if some of the public doesn’t care about the credibility score, the journalists, editors & publications will. It is how they define themselves."

Voice controlled Teslas

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"You will be able to do pretty much anything via voice command. Software team is focused on core Model 3 functionality right now, but that will be done soon, then we will add a lot more features."

Roller Skate Diner

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"Gonna put an old school drive-in, roller skates & rock restaurant at one of the new Tesla Supercharger locations in LA."

Pickup Truck Sports Car

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"It'll be a better truck than an equivalent F-150 and a better sports car than a standard 911."

Semi-Truck Deposits

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"It's got a better drag coefficient than a supercar."

Rockets to London

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"Cost per seat should be about the same as full fare economy in an aircraft."

10,000 Teslas a Week

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"What people should absolutely have zero concern about, and I mean zero, is that Tesla will achieve a 10,000 unit production week by the end of next year."

Verbal Government Approval

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"Just received verbal govt approval for The Boring Company to build an underground NY-Phil-Balt-DC Hyperloop Hyperloop. NY-DC in 29 mins."

Solar Powered Superchargers

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"Over time, almost all will disconnect from the electricity grid."

Wizard Hat Cancer Cure

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"We are aiming to bring something to market that helps with certain severe brain injuries (stroke, cancer lesion, congenital) in about four years"

Fly me to the moon ... Ok

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"It would skim the surface of the moon."
Elon Musk, quoted by Dave Berman in USA Today
"He puts his money where his mouth is. He’s legit."

Frozen Yogurt and Electric Rollercoasters

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"There will also be little things that come along like free frozen yogurt stands scattered around the factory and my personal favorite: a Tesla electric pod car roller coaster (with an optional loop the loop route, of course!) that will allow fast and fun travel throughout our Fremont campus, dipping in and out of the factory and connecting all the parking lots."

Residential Solar Roof Tiles

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"We expect this to have two or three times the longevity of asphalt. It's really never going to wear out. It's got a quasi-infinite lifetime. It's made of quartz."

Autonomous Cross Country Trip

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"All you will need to do is get in and tell your car where to go."

Autonomous Minibus

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"Fixed summon buttons at existing bus stops would serve those who don't have a phone. Design accommodates wheelchairs, strollers and bikes."

Cross Country Summon

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"In ~2 years, summon should work anywhere connected by land & not blocked by borders, eg you're in LA and the car is in NY."

1,000 Kilometer Range

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"My guess is probably we could break 1,000 kilometers within a year or two. I'd say 2017 for sure."

Snake Charger

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"We are actually working on a charger that automatically moves out from the wall & connects like a solid metal snake. For realz."

Battery Swaps & Credit Sales

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"There is a way for the Tesla Model S to be recharged throughout the country faster than you could fill a gas tank."
"You have the choice of the supercharger, which is and always will be free, or you have the choice of the battery pack swap which is faster than you can fill a gastank."

Free Travel From Sun

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"Tesla Supercharger will over time allow you to travel anywhere on pure sunlight for free"

Capital Raise

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"Tesla does not need to ever raise another funding round."

“Tesla HQ has said that as a general policy it doesn’t confirm or deny the veracity of Musk’s tweets.”

Editor's note: others have done great work exposing Musk's shameless charlatan carnival barking. If you enjoy this sort of thing, I highly recommend Niya White's excellent article Musk Misses: The Stories You Don't Hear About Tesla Anymore or for more serious research on Tesla's mistruths to investors check out TSLA Mistruths.